Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
