I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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