Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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