Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
No I am not eating basil off your cock
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
