two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
