GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
