I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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