you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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