Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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