im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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