oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
