I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Damn victory sex feels great
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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