It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
