I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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