the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
NoShamevember. You game?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
