On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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