Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
