I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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