Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My liver just had a heart attack.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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