Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
