I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize