She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
