this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
