I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You've changed since you got that strap on
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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