all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
