Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Two words: blizzard sex
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
