The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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