listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
