I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
