Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
