I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
