I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
