I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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