i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
