the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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