Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
