Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
