3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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