We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
