I hate all girls vehemently.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
