you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
