Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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