It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
