Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
