Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
