3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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