how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
