WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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