Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize