Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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