oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
