If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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