allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
