The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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