Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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