I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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