Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
