My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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