I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
