The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
