Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize