im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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