god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
