I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think I sprained my soul last night
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
