it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This house was built for laser tag.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
