Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
another moral hangover. fuck.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
