Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize